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Welcome to Channel 4’s nightly news, where we cover Houston like the smog, with our anchors Chip Chap and Twinkie Airhead, weatherman Rainer Shine and sports groupie Homer Fields. All that, plus our exclusive aerial FourNewsCamShotSlamScan.

Hi, neighbors, I’m Chip Chap. Thank you for watching. Our first story is a really bloody murder. (Cut to yellow police tape and blinking red lights in the background.) Somebody got shot, and another person was stabbed. (Cut to two bodies under sheets with boots sticking out.) Now, our next story: Another shooting and another stabbing, then there was this bloody car wreck that killed a bunch of people. Then we have ?

Excuse me, Chip.

Yes, Twinkie?

Those firefighters and police at the car wreck scene, they don’t look like Houston fire and police officials.

Well, actually, the wreck was in Amsterdam. We didn’t have any real good local wrecks to show tonight.

And the Christmas decorations in the background?

Uh, it happened last December. But it really is good and bloody. Now, over to you, Twinkie.

Thanks, Chip. Is your can opener a lethal weapon? Is the federal government hiding the truth about doormats? Plus: “Housewives Working Topless Clubs.” All that, tomorrow night.

Twinkie, do we know the answers to those questions?

Of course, but this is sweeps month; and if we tell them the answers, they won’t tune in tomorrow night. Now, here with sports is Homer Fields.

Thanks. Today the Killer Bees swatted the horsehide over the green monster as the ‘Stros clipped the Beantown Bombers 5-zip. In other scores, it was 3-3, 8-0 and 12-10. In pro hoops, T-Mac may go to La-La Land, and the Chuckster could be a partner in Mo Town. Finally, America’s Team signed Gonzo to dance with Norm the Arm.

Homer, I didn’t understand a single word you said.

That’s jock-talk, Chip. It’s the same with sports reporters for newspapers. Notice how they will write 10 paragraphs before telling the reader who won, by how much and why? It’s not our job to report. It’s our job to show how clever we are.

Homer, your reports are nothing but stale clichés, mysterious nicknames and sophomoric humor. Why can’t you just speak English?

Gee, I never thought of that. Oh, one last item: We need to buy those season tickets for next fall’s Rice and UH football games. We’ve got to support our local teams. Same with the pros – Texans, Rockets, Aeros and Astros. Buy those tickets.

Homer, how many season tickets did you buy?

Well, actually, none.

Did you buy tickets for maybe one, just one, game?

Not exactly.

That’s because you get in free to every game, don’t you? And they ply you with food and booze, then you have the audacity to tell us to buy tickets? You’re a shameless, aging cheerleader.

What’s your point?

In other news, we are having some really heavy rains, so let’s go to our field reporter, Wolf Crier, for an update.

Chip, as you can see, the water is flooding Bellaire. It’s up to my knees now. Remember, folks: Don’t walk in this deep water. There could be downed live electric lines or open manhole covers.

But Wolf, you’re walking in that water.

Right, Chip, to show viewers that AGGGGGG!

We seem to have lost our picture, but we’ll try to get back to Wolf later in the program. Speaking of floods, Rainer, what happened to the ‘sunny and dry’ prediction last night?

It’s not my fault, gang. I blame it on Wally the Weather Walrus. Notice tonight, he’s all dressed up like an armadillo because tomorrow are the Houston Armadillo Races, and we’ll be there.

Wally doesn’t seem to like the costume.

No, Twinkie, he loves it. Let go of my arm, Wally. He just – Wally, let go! Each night we – I’m bleeding! Get a doctor!

Next, we have Letters from our Viewers:
“Why is it that every night you run story after story of shootings, car wrecks and apartment fires but never touch on the city budget, pollution, school board debates or anything of substance? Signed, Switching to CNN, in Sugar Land.”

Let me handle that one, Twinkie. It costs money to assign a reporter to spend the days needed to go through the city budget or investigate pollution in the Ship Channel. But we can pay some freelance TV cameraman a few bucks to get all the fires and barroom shootings we want. Our parent company, Bottom Line Inc., knows what it’s doing.

But, Chip, I have a question, too. Why do we put the news on at 10 o’clock instead of doing like most of the nation does and run the evening news at 11?

Most of Houston can’t stay up to watch the 10 o’clock news. If we were on at 11, we wouldn’t have any viewers at all. Even so, we’re tied in ratings with the Cartoon Channel.

A lot of viewers think this is the Cartoon Channel.

Hey, we’re serious journalists. Incidentally, is that a new sports jacket? Goes great with the tie.

Thanks, Twinkie. And your new hairdo is a real knockout.

Wally, let go! Somebody get a taser!

We’ll be back with the latest developments on World War III after these messages.

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