Talk Show No-Knows Poking fun at Houston hosts

November 1, 2006 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

Good moooorning, Houston! It’s time for yet another saga of Tell Bell, the fairest and most balanced talk show in town. Today, I thought we’d take an objective look at those pinko rats in the County Commissioners Court, the corrupt officials in City Hall and the latest treasonous actions by Bill Clinton. Ah, we have our first caller, Allen in Parkway.

Hi, Bell. I think you were a little harsh yesterday in calling for the execution of the entire Texas Legislature. I feel …

Who cares what you feel? Those commies in Dallas, or is it Waco, won’t cut our property taxes and keep trying to spend money on schools. Who needs schools anyway? I dropped out in the third grade, and I ain’t doing badder. Next caller, Monty in Montrose.

First time caller, longtime listener. Bell, you are wrong in demanding that the UN building be torn down and the land sewn with salt. I know that …

Let me tell you what you know. The UN up there in Chicago is full of foreigners, probably illegal aliens. They couldn’t keep the peace in Switzerland or even next door in Morocco.

Have you ever been to the UN? Peace-keeping is a very small part of what they do — like with health care, international postal regulation, intelligence property rights, labor laws. Do you know what you’re talking about?

I don’t have to know what I’m talking about. I’m a radio talk show host in Houston. Next caller, Time in Memorial.

Bell, I think you are wonderful, smart and full of knowledge.

How do you know that?

Because you always tell me what I want to hear.

As President Benjamin Franklin once said, “Ask not what you can do to others, but ask what others can do for you.” Our next caller is Carl in Capacitated. Go ahead, Carl.

Bell, why do you keep interrupting callers that disagree with you, and insult them with ridicule? It’s uncouth and shows a lack of …

I don’t interrupt callers, you stupid idiot. Shut up! OK, folks, we need to clear up a few matters about this radio business. First, it’s my show, and I can do as I please. Some of you act like the public owns the airwaves. Second, if you are so bored that you have nothing better to do than listen to this show, you need to get a life. And finally, accept everything I say as the gospel. Next caller is from Here to Eternity.

Bell, you bad-mouth the press all the time, but it’s clear that virtually every word you utter on the air is based on something you read in the morning paper or saw last night on the TV news. I mean, if you didn’t rely on the “drive-by media,” as you call it, you wouldn’t have a show. Also, you keep telling us we can’t trust the press, but throughout your program, you quote stuff you got from the press as fact. You can’t have it both ways.

Of course I can, because you listeners are too damned dumb to spot hypocrisy if it hit you in the nose. A recent study in The National Enquirer proved that. Next caller. Go ahead, Wes in University Place.

Bell, what does that noted family values crusader, Rush Limbaugh, have that Bill Clinton doesn’t?

I give up.

Three ex-wives and a police record.

Another liberal pervert. Folks, did you see on the TV news — which we can’t believe — that Houston is installing cameras to cut down on red-light runners? It’s just one more example of creeping governmental control. If I want to run through red lights doing 60 in a school zone, that’s my right. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us our refineries can’t pollute, we should stop strip mining in our national parks and pay our income taxes. Bunch of tree-huggers. Go ahead, Number 445558 in Carcerated.

Bell, you just did it again. You quoted from the press while telling us we can’t believe the press. What’s more, the UN is in New York City, not Chicago. The state capital is in Austin; Benjamin Franklin was not a president; and you misquoted John Kennedy. Yesterday, you referred to “former Mayor Lee Black who is brown.” The Red Cross is not part of Homeland Security; Dell Computers is named after Michael Dell, not Dell Comics; and Dell is originally from Houston, not Argentina.

What’s your point?

My point is that you are a shallow, ill-educated pompous blowhard with delusions of adequacy. You don’t read books, you don’t travel anywhere that might broaden your knowledge, and you can’t pronounce “panache” or “onomatopoeia.”

Don’t bring religion into this.

You spread misinformation and create divisiveness and hatred among listeners. No wonder Arbitron puts your ratings below that of Latino DJs. When it comes to radio talk show hosts, Houston has the lowest common denominator.

You’re full of it, Mom.

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