To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron

March 1, 2002 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron
Houston, Texas

Dear Mr. Lay,

The directors of the Houston Couth Society deeply appreciate your most generous donations in the past, and we have enjoyed your serving on our board. Unfortunately, it has been brought to our attention that your term expired last summer. Silly us. So you will be spared the burden of having to attend any more of those long, dreadfully boring meetings. Best of luck and, if possible, keep the donations coming.

Dear Mr. Lay,

We here at the Former Enron Employees Club would like to extend to you an invitation to address our group at your convenience. We are open to any date since our calendars seem to be clear except on Wednesday afternoons when we pick up our check at the Texas Workforce Commission. The club meets for lunch in Memorial Park. You?ll love our Alpo hash, or as we call it, Ken-L Rations for the Lay-ed Off.

Mr. Ken Lay,

It is ?Ken? isn?t it? There seems to be some rumors in Washington that you and I met privately on several occasions to draft an energy plan for America. I, frankly, cannot recall any such meetings or even remember very much about you. Tall African-American? No, wait. You have a Norwegian accent and stutter, right?

Vice President Dick Cheney
Undisclosed Location
North America

To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron
From: The Houston Sports Authority
Re: Enron Field

We note that the annual check of $3.3 million from Enron ? as part of a $100 million 30-year deal ? is overdue. If the payment is not received within seven (7) business days, we shall be forced to cancel your contract and go ahead with the bid from K-Mart.

Mr. Ken Lay,

As members of the House Committee on Opportunistic Investigations, we order you to appear before our panel to answer questions about Enron. We shall be meeting at 9:30 p.m. (EST) on Tuesday. That way, we get a bump from ?Frasier? and don?t have to go up against re-runs of ?Friends.?

To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron
From: President George W. Bush
Return to sender

Dear Mr. Lay,

The executive committee here at Bull & Gluttony Stockbrokers, Inc. would like you to re-define ?financial hoop-rah? and ?megabucks? in that we currently possess 23-squillion shares of Enron stock based on the personal and expressed optimism of your company?s future prospects. Also, we would like to know just exactly what is it that Enron does?

Press Release – National Republican Party:

It is despicable that the Democratic National Committee attempts to link campaign contributions given by Enron CEO Ken Lay with his ability to pick up the phone and directly call three members of the Cabinet. It is a known fact that Americans have equal access to all members of this Administration. Indeed, John Ashcroft is having a backyard barbecue next Saturday, and everyone is welcome. And the Joint Chief?s Tank-a-Thon was a huge success. As for the Democrats, they are only angry that Lay didn?t give them as much.

Dear Ken,

There seems to be some misunderstanding about the work my company performed for Enron. We took your records at face value and, using ?usually accepted accounting practices? ? if you get my drift ? we found your books to be in order. Unfortunately, the Securities and Exchange Commission has been extremely picky in this entire matter. It would help my situation if you would put down in writing just how you lied, cheated, misrepresented and managed to conceal from my accountants the true economic picture of your company.

Arthur Andersen
PS: Please hurry. Sentencing is Friday.

Dear Ken,

Sorry to be so long in getting back to you. Bar and I have been busy with our new bread maker and before that we traveled a lot ? Galveston, Tomball, all over. So what?s new with you? I?ve been out of the loop.

PS: How?s the stutter? ih

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