If it Bleeds, it Leads 4 Play News, Don’t you snooze, Car wrecks, fires, plus sex and booze –

September 1, 2002 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

– And here with your 10 o’clock news for Houston and all of greater Galena Park is (drum roll with bugles amid flashing lights) Chip O’Hair! And co-host, Twinkie Cleavage (wild applause), with (sounds of thunder) weather warrior Rainer Shine, and finally, (crowd) sports reporter and winner of the Houston Press Club award for best sportscaster on a 10 p.m. newscast on Channel 4, Homer Fields!

Good evening, I’m Chip O’Hair. Our lead story – the “Big Story” – exclusive on 4 Play News (sirens, blinking lights and screams) is a fire in Sharpstown. You can see from the exclusive 4 Play SkyEyeCamShot high above the scene, there is a fire. Come in, Zero.

Yes, Chip, this is Zero Surabachi above a huge fire – a really big fire.

Thanks, Zero, for that exclusive report. Our other big story involves an old faith with new deciphers. Twinkie?

I think that’s “disciples,” Chip. Anyway, botulism is a growing religion in the Houston area. More and more young people are turning to botulism as a way of expressing themselves. We interviewed Rancid, a 16-year-old who has turned to this far Southern, or maybe it’s Eastern, faith. Let’s hear from Rancid.

I find Buddhism a way to the inner me. The secret to finding the inner –

Thank you for that in-depth report, Twinkie. Speaking of holy water, Rainer, it looks like we might get some more perspiration.

Right, Chip. “Rain,” as we call it in meteorogically circles, can be seen here on the weather map, which – seems to be showing downtown Detroit. OK, now we’ve got it. Here in Texas, there is snow over the Peedernals, the Perdernails, that river, and Nacog – Nacogdose. Nacog – a town up in East Texas near Lupskin. Hey, I’m new here, OK?

Snow when it’s 102 outside?

Maybe it’s my radar. The boss caught me intercepting porno channels so I had to retune everything. Would you like to see outtakes from “Debbie Does El Campo?”

Let’s switch to consumer affairs reporter Gaggie Retch. So how many roaches have we found in the salad bar?

Chip and Twinkie, it was awful. I mean, awful. The trash, the slime, the utter lack of regard for the customers.

What restaurant, Gaggie?

Restaurant? I mean the fall TV lineup.

Thanks, Gaggie. We’ll be right back after this.

Hello, I’m Tony Sanchez, and I want to be your governor. In this campaign I will stick to the issues and not indulge in character assassinations. Yes, the issues, like what a dirty, rotten guy Rick Perry is. He’s a liar, cheat, bank robber twice convicted, and I won’t even tell you what he does to small dogs. Vote Sanchez.

Twinkie, is my hair parted correctly? Maybe if I used a bit more mousse. Oh, sorry. We’re back on the air. It’s time now for sports with Homer Fields.

Thanks, Chip. Houston faces a terrible calamity if the city does not underwrite a new curling arena. We may lose our franchise to Marfa if voters do not agree to a $90 million bond issue. Otherwise, we’ll never be a world-class city. As you can see by the map, all we have to do is tear down this emergency clinic and an elementary school. Now let’s go to the scores. 8-4, 6-3 and 2-2 in overtime.

Thanks, Homer. We?ll be right back after this.

Hi, I’m Governor Rick Perry. George Bush loves me. Did I ever tell you about the time – three times, actually – that I saved the life of George Bush? From Tony Sanchez? Vote Perry and get Bush.

We’re back with 4 Play News. There is a gory murder in the Heights (screams while showing yellow police tape) and a tragic truck accident on the Katy Freeway (sirens and flashing lights). But now to international news. There was a gory murder in Holland and a tragic truck accident in Hong Kong. We’ll be back with news about the unexpected beginning of World War III after this word from our sponsors. ih

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